Merry Christmas One and All

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope your Christmas Day was full of joy, and free of injuries associated with giving the barbecue a nudge with lighter fluid, poorly executed fart lighting contests, or seeing if Auntie Doreen would get pissed off if you flick her arse with a teatowel.
I also hope your Boxing Day has been restful and you were able to destroy everyone in your path at Northlands when you went in to exchange all your gifts and get a pile of sick bargains with all your new gift cards.
Here's a clip I saw the other night. I don't think it was filmed here, but when I saw it I immediately got excited about Christmas Day in Reservoir.

With a Bullet

APRA AMCOS keep stats on which Australian postcodes have the most songwriters registered with them. Apparently back in 2003 Reservoir was sitting comfortably at number 29. Seems plausible, since it's a list of 30, and let's face it: you want to try, but you don't want to try too hard and look like a wanker do you? 

Somewhere in the last decade though, Reservoir ceased to make the "top" list of songwriters, and rejoined the "growing" list. I'm trying to work out why. It could be that the hard rock writers of Rezza realised that all the great songs have already been written by ACDC, and politely bowed out of the contest. Or it could be that all the blues writers began to question the plausibility of starting songs about Reservoir with "I woke up this morning....". Or perhaps the dance writers were imprisoned in a meth siege several years ago and have yet to be reported missing due to several hundred facebook friends who keep tagging them every Saturday night, creating the illusion that they are still around, but just very busy clubbing.

Personally though, I think it's just Reservoir's generosity of spirit that bumped us out of the top 30. When you've reached the top it's only right to wind things down and give someone else a go. Unless Geelong make the top 30 of course. It's fucking on if they make it.

Feeling Festive

Tonight I'm finally starting to feel the Christmas spirit, even though all the domestic light displays have been up  for precisely 20 days and the biker who manages the childrens' crossing on Plenty road has been wearing his Santa hat to work for a couple of weeks. Rezza has finally begun to cut sick tonight, busting out the "1986 With a Bullet" cd's, and discreetly testing their stockpiles of illegal fireworks in backyards and school playgrounds ahead of the Rezza New Year's Eve spectacular.
I'd like to give all my non-Reservoirian readers a hot tip that I only discovered last year when I stayed at home on NYE following an unexpected December 29-30 blowout: the fireworks in Rezza on New Year's Eve are by far superior to the ones in the city. You can position yourself pretty much anywhere in Reservoir between 11pm and 2am on New Year's Eve and the sky will be awash with a staggering and highly unpredictable display of pyrotechnics. The soundtrack is heaps better too. I've never felt so prepared to embark on a new year as I did in 2014, when "Thunderstruck" started belting from my neighbour's garage right on the stroke of midnight, just as all hell broke loose in the sky.

Let There Be Light

Last night I discovered that Geelong has an interactive domestic Christmas light map, to help you plan your itinerary when you decide to make a voyeuristic outing centred around the struggle between ostentatious yuletide displays and the carbon footprint. 

Obviously my first response was awe, but shortly thereafter I realised that if any region needs a domestic Christmas light map it's Reservoir. So I took a few moments and threw one together, based on my various investigations in the past. I hope this helps.

The Mullet

Business at the front. Party at the back.

Community Fun Day

Looking for something to do today? The Rose Shamrock Hotel, the gaming establishment that brought us both red and white wine, are holding their Community Fun Day right now.

A perfect family day out, you can fill your kids up with fairy floss and popcorn, toss them into the jumping castle then go get a bit of "me" time on the slots until one of them pukes.

Bo Was Here

Rezza doesn't sound right without you Bo.

I Love Birds

- Reservoir

"I DO NOT ADOPT SICK OR INJURED BIRDS THANKS : Hi guys you or anyone you know that have any unwanted birds that u don't longer want or don't have the time for them or whatever reason. I'm more then happy to come to you but have to be in the northern area. I have parrots cockatoos budgies and heaps more there all on healthy diets and drink water I love birds and can never have enough of them. I don't get birds then sell. I get them and adopt them and give them everything they need."

'Voir King 2014!

Link: Reservoir Coles attendant crowned Mr Melbourne Australasia 2014

ASPIRING model and actor Aakash Yuvvraj is on cloud nine after winning a "personality-based multicultural beauty pageant". 

Aakash Yuvvraj on cloud nine

The Reservoir man, 21, took out the title Mr Melbourne Australasia 2014, one of three awards for males in the Melbourne International Quest in March.
The win has been a big boost for the Coles Express shop attendant, who was born in Delhi.
"It was a dream since I was 15 years of age," Mr Yuvvraj said.
"It's a huge boost for my modelling career and will bring me more opportunities.
"It will put me in the limelight and all that."

On behalf of all the 'Voir I'd like to congratulate Aakash on his big win. Winning a personality-based multicultural beauty pageant in the 'Voir is akin to winning Eurovision.
I know where I'll be buying my Cheetos this Sunday morning.

With thanks to the irrepressible KD for the link.

Love is Blind

I've commented before on how seriously I take the provenance of my material. But from time to time something so spectacular comes my way that I have to flex a little and post material from neighbouring suburbs.

This masterpiece was spotted today in Preston. Of course it's entirely likely that it was parked in Rezza when it got its custom paint job.

With thanks to E for the magnificent image.

Gary Had a Little Lamb

Meet Lambchop. In a suburb where the pet du jour is generally a muscle dog, a snake, or a cat with battle wounds and an attention disorder, one resident chose the road less travelled and opted for a lamb, then fattened it up daily for months in the local public park. 
I am informed that this picture captures Lambchop's disaffected, and somewhat embarrassing response to inner city newcomer 'Molly Ringwald'. Molly may well have lost that round, but I'm told that Lambchop hasn't been seen at the park since the outset of Lent. I guess that's game, set and match to Molly.

Thanks to KD for the pic.

An Easter Miracle

I found an Easter egg in my back garden on Sunday. This probably sounds like a lovely Easter surprise to most of you. I was alone though, and I wasn't expecting visitors. I also have a tall fence right around my yard. I don't think I'm remiss in wondering how the fuck it came to be there. Or why.
It's still there. I figure if I ignore it long enough it might disappear. And then I can think about cyclone fencing.

Future Shock

From ABC news: Car hits hydrant in Reservoir 

"Water sprays skywards after a car hit a hydrant in the Melbourne suburb of Reservoir on March 11, 3014."

The ABC's reputation for being ahead of the news was further cemented with this on-the-scene report direct from the next millennium. Good to see everything is still business as usual in Rezza a thousand years from now.

Baby Steps

Every time I drive past this I picture a woman yelling "Well if you're gunna speak to me like that you can bloody well walk home."

Vote 1 'Voir!

I'm proud of many things. I'm proud that I can belch the entire alphabet (though things still get a bit unpleasant from Q through Z). I'm proud that I've taught myself to write left handed in the dead time I've spent in work meetings. I'm proud that when I voted at the local primary school last year I hung around in the cardboard village for an extra fifteen minutes before hitting the sausage sizzle to help an old lady because she wanted to "do all the boxes under the line to stop that Abbott prick getting in". And I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to avoid mowing my lawns for five weeks now without a single comment from my neighbours.
But despite all this, I'm not too proud to beg. 
'Voir Tales is a nominee in the Best Australian Blogs Competition, and I'm posting today to beg you, and your mates, and whoever you can dare at the pub later on, to "Vote 1 'Voir" in the People's Choice section.
All you need to do is click this link right here, select 'Voir Tales, then scroll to the end of the list to register the vote. 
You won't have any trouble finding me. Thanks to my innate grammatical pedantry, and the resultant fact that my blog title starts with an apostrophe of omission, it seems I have managed to score the second position in an alphabetical list of over a thousand blogs, despite starting with a "V". In some ways I feel like I've already won.
Don't let that stop you though. Go on, do it. I'll owe you a beer.

Night on the Prairies

At night they can be seen congregating in parklands in large groups, interacting and foraging in a manner suggestive of a complex social system. By daybreak they will disperse, seeking shelter in the plentiful narrow driveways and overgrown grassy verges in an attempt to avoid capture by the predatory Coles trailer.

Getting Off at Reservoir Station

Link: Couple filmed porn on daytime Melbourne Train

A COUPLE filmed in a pornographic shoot on a Melbourne train could face police action. The video shows a clearly identifiable man and woman engaging in sex acts in broad daylight as they sit in a carriage on the Epping route before getting off at Reservoir Station. At least two unsuspecting passengers are seen in the carriage, one little more than a metre away. The pair are then filmed having sex on the black locomotive in Edwardes Lake Park in Reservoir, a popular spot for children and families.

Spokesman, Sergeant Kris Hamilton, said the pair should be ashamed of themselves. “It is offensive and inappropriate and people caught will be dealt with by police by either copping a fine or being arrested,” he said.
  “I use public transport daily and I’m sure I speak on behalf of other commuters when I say this is not what you want to be subjected to en-route home after a tough day in the office,” Sergeant Hamilton said.

I guess he must take the Eltham line.

With thanks to a reader for the link.

Making Your Message Clear

This fabulous piece of local public art was sent to me by a reader. 
Don't you wish you knew the story behind this? I know it probably involves a guy called Damo or Nuggets or something, and the whore fucking vagina dog who stole him away, but I feel there's just so much more to it that we'll never know, and it's driving me nuts.

Thanks for the memories....

The True North Rezzfest Spectacular is over for another year and my mood is starting to wane like the smoke plumes of an illegal Rezza fireworks display on New Year's Eve. 
I just need to hang on to the afterglow a little longer though.

The moment where I got the last Kranski off the V8 grill....

Or all that free cardboard.

The moment where we all went mental over the Cambodian Space Project, whilst also smugly enjoying the fact that for once we hadn't paid for the fireworks that were going off in the background.

And Pool House Blues, with Danny Walsh Banned playing slide on a neon guitar with a full stubbie of beer.

All this happened after a few orders from the Edward's Place cocktail menu. I'm intrigued that the "Cocksucking Cowboy" needs abbreviation, but the "Wet Pussy" doesn't. I tried both and I can assure you that they're equally delicious, but I think it's only right that the "Wet Pussy" costs a dollar more.

Edward's Place also has an amazing sandwich menu. 

Seriously, I would live there, if only they had more of this...

Aahh, Rezzfest, we will miss you. We'll keep your seat warm for 2015.

Rezzfest Day 3: Kite Festival

So after two and a half hours pressing the snooze button this morning I finally rose, dusted the glitter off my bingo jacket and headed down to Rezzfest Kite Festival.
Shortly after I arrived I was confronted by what appeared to be an enormous sad arrangement of man parts emerging from the green room. The exotic lady assisting this apparatus seemed unhappy with me and said "Please, no photos yet, it's not ready". 
I couldn't agree more.

Lo and behold, the miserable form she was yanking at was in fact an elephant, being awakened by a gust of hot air up its arse. I think she's looking for loose change in its mouth in this shot.

The elephant whetted my appetite for creatures, so I headed to the animal zone. About time we had one of those up here.
I think this was the first time this chick had worked a crowd that knew more about snakes than she did. She was surrounded by blokes saying stuff like "What does that baby pack, about 12 kilos?", and "What are you giving her, just mice, or you throwin' a rat in there once a week too?"

I got up to this guy just as the handler was saying "You can pat him, he's friendly..... NOT ON THE HEAD THOUGH!!! NOT THE HEAD!!!! He doesn't like that!!"

Then I went to the petting zoo. Not much going on there. Just some circle work.

I mentioned a couple of days ago where I stand on situations like this. Honestly, when I took the corner and saw this flapping about above me, my Gozleme nearly reverse parked.

Luckily I found my happy place again watching this puffy dog do little air pushups in the sky. It's not the first time I've seen this happen, but it's the the first time I've seen it happen at a family event.

Nothing to see here.....

Rezzfest Day 2: Highlights and memories

As I prepare to embark on day 3 of the extraordinary Rezzfest spectacular, I want to take a few moments to reflect on all the sights and excitement of yesterday's program.

Here's a supply ship for the Compass Club preparing to dock.

The visionary combination of a muscle car and processed meats.

I had to cross the road at this point. This guy wasn't even the clown teacher. I think this is just how he likes to look on a Saturday afternoon on Edwardes Street. 

The local children were given a lucrative contract building temporary accommodation for Reservoir's exploding population.


The priorities of Reservoir's population were confirmed once and for all when they were forced to choose between the bar and the chance to finally see the exotic secrets of Pole Princess revealed. The bar won, with only a handful of people showing up for the pole dancing. Go figure.

And of course Elvis bingo went off. These ladies are all major fans of my blog. They told me they had never played bingo before, and that if it hadn't been for my post the other day about the Elvis bingo they might never have known it was on.

Anyway, more later. I've been rather slow off the mark today, thanks to the good times at Pool Hall Blues last night, so I better get out there. I've got a kite that wants flying for god's sake.

Rezza Relay

I've just got home from the True North Rezzfest launch, held in an elite quarter of the Spring street carpark. 
I finally got some quality time with my fellow blogger Reservoir Dad, and perhaps unsurprisingly we found we had a fair bit in common, so we got to chatting, and the good times ensued.

Before long all our social pretences had fallen away and we were daring one another to relocate items from the site equipment.

For the record, I won this round. I'm dropping this baby into the Edwardes Street party some time tomorrow and it's up to Reservoir Dad to relocate it somewhere spectacular. 

Tunnel of Love

My last post about Reservoir Blockbuster sent me into an unexpected reverie about the pedestrian tunnel that runs between Edwardes Street and the Ralph Street car park. It's a veritable pleasure vault for the recreationally challenged, with Blockbuster at the front end and Cellarbrations to the rear. Combine this with the mesmerising array of starchy treats available to those prepared to walk into the light onto Edwardes Street and you've got yourself a perfect weekend.
It's the Cellarbrations that particularly deserves more appreciation though. Their service lanes, whether intentionally or not, have been laid out as a complicated obstacle course that prevents intoxicated people from reaching the counter to purchase more alcohol. I can only believe that this has been driven by a concern for community wellbeing. And it's also the only bottle shop I've ever found that sells canned tuna and a comprehensive range of dress jewellery.

The 1990's Called

With all due respect to the lovely team at Reservoir Blockbuster, this message is the cyber equivalent to waking up with a headache and rolling over to see your ex lying next to you. 

That's How We Roll

For anyone outside of Reservoir who's thinking about heading up for True North festival this weekend, I just want to put your minds at ease that the journey will be worth it, because up here we know how to throw a party. 
I commend the festival for their roaming pop up bar and various 'non traditional spaces', however I do feel a certain responsibility to point out that Rezza has been doing all of that for years.
Case in point: I took these pictures recently in the aftermath of a Saturday night Beam and ciggies fiesta outside the Kids on Broadway dance apparel shop. 


This is the point in the story where trouble comes into paradise. There's an item in the True North Festival program I'm struggling with. It's called Finding Your Clown.  
Like many others of my generation, I was subjected to the cinematic trauma machine of Stephen King's "It" at a vital stage in my cognitive development. In my case it was due to an aberration of supervisory dynamics, being that my parents went out for the night, and shortly thereafter my older sibling said "Watch this video. It'll fuck you up." Amazingly enough, he was right.
He also introduced me to Alien and Predator.
So this week while I was innocently scrolling through the True North program I read the words "Ever thought there might be a clown hiding inside you?" and next thing I knew I was on my back, clawing at my belly screaming "Yes!!! Get it out! Get it out of me!!!"
Don't get me wrong - I'm all for family programming, and if just one Rezza kid finds their "clown walk" next weekend it will be a win for every geezer who ever struggled to find his way home from Zagame's on a Sunday morning. But so help me, if any one of those creepy little proteges sneaks up on me and honks its red nose in my general direction during the festival I won't be held accountable for my actions.

Love Me Tender

So the second thing in the Rezzfest program that has all my ciliate cells vibrating is Broadway Bingo with Elvis. As far as I'm concerned the only thing wrong with Bingo is the lack of Elvis and the only thing wrong with Elvis is the lack of Bingo. Seriously, I have dreams like this, but in the dream my dabber pens always run dry just before the jackpot. God knows what that's about.

I bet these guys have dreams like that too, a fact they can probably testify from every occasion I've parked outside their gates humming "Are you lonesome tonight?" while they're trying to sleep. 
Sorry about that, by the way, gentle Elvis-loving neighbours. I can't help it if my happy place is your driveway.