Do They Know it's Christmas?

How tardy of me. Ordinarily I like to scout out some 'Voir Christmas shots well in advance of Christmas Day. Back to back food comas really can throw off your routine.
Taking these photos is such a great opportunity for me to explore (and occasionally alienate) new corners of Rezza. And of course I like to stay abreast of the very latest in domestic festive decorations. 
Unfortunately I wasn't able to get a photo of one of the more epic houses I found tonight, on account of a couple of women over the road saying goodbye to one another and discussing whether it had really felt like Christmas for almost an hour. Actually, they could still be there for all I know. They stopped talking and stared every time I tried to casually stop and take a picture. It was unnerving, especially by the third time. Honestly, some people.
Anyway, without further ado, I give you 'Voir Christmas 2013.

I love this one because I don't understand why they bothered, and I salute that:

And I love this on account of the irony factor:

And of course it wouldn't be Christmas without my favourite Christmas house in all of the world. 

Merry Christmas everyone. May all your dreams come true. Of course it's statistically improbable that they all will, but I'm gunning for you anyway.

Big Uggs to Fill

On my way home tonight I stopped next to an ugg boot distributor at the traffic lights. I know this because that's what it said on the side of his van. I couldn't help having a look at him. I mean, who doesn't want to know what an ugg boot distributor looks like? It's like being in the hospital bed next to patient zero. 
As I glanced casually across he was already staring at me, holding a tinny is his enormous fist. I smiled and gave a little jerk of my chin that I hoped would translate as "Ugg boots right?" and "How about that cricket?". He seemed unimpressed with me, or my car, or the general combination. I'm obviously still not ready for ugg boots.

Return to Sender

I thought this said 'Picts' at first. Silly me.

Play Misty For Me

As I drove to the Reservoir Waste Transfer Centre this past weekend, I was delighted to stumble onto Misty's Diner. Honestly, I haven't been that excited since I discovered Courtney Morrison
I've heard great things about Misty's; it's the newest all-American all-you-can-eat diner experience, and they have branches in both Reservoir and Prahran. Not many restaurants can say that.
Naturally I checked them out online. The disarray of broken links on their site spoke plainly of an eatery bent on maintaining an inaccessible urban mystique. 
If I wasn't already drawn in, I soon discovered they have a deep fried chocolate bar dessert called "Holy Shit", which looks either alarmingly or comfortingly similar to a deep fried chicken fillet.

Jumping the Shark

A scene from the Reservoir Leisure Centre yesterday. Looks like someone miscalculated a sick jump over the wading pool again. Kudos to the centre for containing the situation so efficiently.

With thanks to E for the pic.

The 'Voir Commandments - #10

They scream and it pisses off the neighbours behind the pub.
 They stuff up the seat covers too.

The Thirty Days of Christmas

It's November 20. After almost 3 years in the 'Voir I think I can say with more than a little certainty that in precisely five days the suburb will suddenly be aglow with domestic Christmas decorations. Don't know about you, but I can hardly wait.

Nothing Interesting Ever Happens in the Suburbs

Ten years ago in the 'Voir: 'Vampire' prostitute bizarre in life and death

'To his neighbours Chartres-Abbott, 28, who was gunned down in a daylight ambush last Wednesday, was a polite young man.
He lived quietly with his girlfriend in suburban Reservoir, his only eccentricity a thick black overcoat, which he wore even in summer.
But by night Chartres-Abbott was a male prostitute, who allegedly told a client he was a vampire, older than the city of Melbourne, who drank blood to survive.
The secret life of Chartres-Abbott began to unravel late last month during a sensational court trial, in which he was accused of raping and attacking a client.
 The county court heard the alleged victim, a 30-year-old woman, was found in a foetal position in the shower cubicle of a room in South Yarra's Hotel Saville on August 17 last year.
The woman told the jury that, days before she was attacked, Chartres-Abbott had told her he was a vampire.
He was said to specialise in sadomasochistic sex and supposedly carried a black bag of sex toys including a dildo, whip, ropes, condoms and handcuffs.
Chartres-Abbott's lawyer Alan Hands was scathing, claiming the prosecution's case was a story worthy of Bram Stoker and a mystery worthy of Agatha Christie.
But the defence was to make an equally startling claim.
Mr Hands told the jury the victim and a friend were grooming Chartres-Abbott to appear in a "snuff movie" - a pornographic film in which the actors are actually murdered.
He alleged the victim had gone cold on the idea of recruiting Chartres-Abbott because she had developed an affection for him.
Mr Hands said the woman was attacked after Chartres-Abbott left the hotel about 5am.
The victim said she had hired Chartres-Abbott from Cloud Nine Escorts in Balwyn, a company that employs about 30 male and female prostitutes, because she felt "horny".

The Eternal Optimist

$2 off this shit. You can buy all that other shit too if you like, but it will be full price. If someone buys all this shit I can buy that Dymo labeller I've been wanting for my signage. Dymo is the shit.

Thanks to R for the pic.

You Can't Stop Progress

Every now and then I hear something up here that transports me momentarily to a place where I can see a highly successful range of slogan T-shirts.
Overheard at Northland(s):
"I wanna do what I wanna do. If you don't like it, get outta my fucken life!"

Go You Good Thing!

Tonight I saw a guy jogging in Geelong footy shorts and a turban. I was pretty impressed. It takes guts to be seen jogging around here.

Things I Find Too Often in My Front Yard

Thongs (always paired)
Data cable
Rubbish (of brands oddly distant to point of origin)
Mini zip lock bags

The Wheels of Justice

Phone conversation overheard on the 86:
"I had to go to court this morning because me ex-boyfriend's a fucken dog."

The Sunny Side of the Street

Lately I've started to notice a pattern around these parts. Maybe it's just because it's Springtime and the heady mix of sunshine and airborne pollen has affected my judgement, but it has struck me that the graffiti in Reservoir is remarkably positive. 

Mind you, there are many shades of positive:

The Family That Plays Together

Good onya Mum.

Summer Catalogue

In this year's 'Voir Summer collection denim will be a strong theme. Again. This collection accentuates classic pieces with on-trend accessory items including the two-bottle bag, and white-panties-overboard-in-flagrante-delicto. 
Loosely mown lawn: model's own.

With thanks to @adamrichard for the image.

Best Night Eva

Thanks to an anonymous legend for this image. You rule, and I totes believe it was like that when you found it.

Special Chicken Wigs

When an ordinary chicken wig just won't do.

Wipe On, Wipe Off

I know. Something you've successfully managed to avoid thinking about your entire life is now at the forefront of your imagination. Don't worry too much though - this is Geelong.
Still, I bet you're wondering why they have both a wet and dry option, like you want to spend time weighing up whether you're more likely to contract airborne or tactile contaminants while you're shopping for your Ezy-Mac. 
Personally I'm just hung up on why Geelong got these before Rezza did. I think I could wage a good case for why we're more deserving. It makes me feel a bit concerned that we're part of an experiment in which Geelong is the Control group. No-one wants to be in that experiment.

Bunny Burglars

Link: Three Women Charged with Bunny Burgling

"Three women allegedly stole rabbits and hoarded more than a hundred of the fluffy creatures in a Melbourne home.
The women, aged 18, 22 and 44, allegedly burgled a pet shop and stole eight mini lop rabbits on March 11.
But on Tuesday, detectives executed a warrant at a Reservoir home and found more than 100 other bunnies.
The three Reservoir women were arrested and charged with burglary, theft and handling stolen goods."

It is believed the defendants will plead guilty of having too much love to give.
Hostages including Bubbles (pictured) are currently being treated for trauma, and snuggling related injuries.
Neighbours commented that the three women keep to themselves, but are well liked in the street because their lawns are always closely mown.

With many thanks to M for the link.

Lucky Draw

For some reason I'm having trouble enticing people to go to the Broadway Bingo Bonanza with me. They have prize pools totalling thousands of dollars every week, and judging by the crowds queueing and smoking durries on Broadway every night I can only assume that it's a Northern hotbed of social networking and romance.
If that's not enough, they regularly have themed nights where punters can dress up and make an occasion of their Bingo experience.

Of course most nights people just come as they are.

Naturally I wouldn't expect anyone to just blindly take my word on this. I recommend you have a look around the Broadway Bingo Bonanza Facebook page and judge for yourself. I'm pretty sure you'll conclude, as I have, that this is a remarkable and welcoming place to spend an evening. 
And of course when you come to that conclusion, do let me know, because I'm still looking for a Bingo partner. 

Link: Toilet Seat Installation

* Picture not to scale

"We will remove your old seat & install the replacement for $40. 
Only takes a few minutes, nothing more to pay. 
Basic universal seat $40 
Caroma Tasman $55 
Apollo no slam (slow-closing seat) $60 
All seats are white !" 

It's a relief to know these people are out there. Sometimes when I'm sitting on the toilet I think to myself "What if I ever wear this seat out? What on Earth would I do about that?" 
It's also a relief to note that my dilemma would be at an end with only one simple payment, because I admit I've worried from time to time about the hidden costs associated with buying a toilet seat.

Remedical Care

Link: Traditional Chinese Full Body Care

Calm-Chi Traditional Chinese Massage of Broadway.
"Our professionally trained staff members, including many that have successfully completed courses in remedical therapies with the diploma of proficiency, will guarantee you with an exceptional relaxation experience." 

*This is not a sexual service 
*Plenty of nearby parking available.

I don't know about you, but my Chi is calm just from reading this.

Cheddar Road and the Zombie Apocalypse

Anyone who lives in Reservoir knows about the Cheddar Road intersection. It's our Berlin Wall. It takes so long to cross this intersection that many people who were born here have never succeeded. Personally I avoid it at all costs. Once, in a foolhardy attempt to cross to the other side for doughnuts, I was entrapped when the level crossing signal failed. It was a whole twenty minutes before anyone in the gridlock even noticed, because that's how long they are accustomed to waiting. It wasn't until a police vehicle arrived to secure the crossing awhile later that anyone twigged, and that was actually pretty funny, to be honest. At the first sound of a siren, cars started peeling off urgently over verges and pavements to get the hell out of there. It was like peak hour in Bangkok.
Tonight I've had to reassess my misgivings about this intersection though. I've just entered Reservoir into Map of the Dead, the interactive map of places around you to help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse, and it would appear that when the forces of the undead take grip of our city, the Cheddar Road intersection is actually one of the best places you could position yourself. 
And of course if you happen to find yourself on the opposite side of the level crossing to the Zombies, you may as well just carry on as usual.

Nature Child

When I lived in the inner city I often remarked on how sad I felt for the children who had to grow up without trees to climb. One of the nicest things about Rezza is seeing kids getting back to nature.

With thanks to C for the picture.

Once a Bridesmaid

"And now he's obviously going to pop the question, so I guess they're fucken married. I dunno what to do about that because I really don't wanna go to the wedding, but if she doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid I'll be so fucked off with her."

Long Game

"I been playing the Broadway Bingo for about 3 years an' I never won shit."

The fact that she has kept playing speaks volumes for the positive social environment at Bingo Bonanza. Sometimes the journey really is more important.

They're onto us Darren. Quick, hide the bucket bong.

For Tying Women

"I have 15 women ties for sale, the colour of them are red,dark green,gray and light brown , 10 of them are medium size and 5 of them are small, they are brand new,each of them are only $1"
- Reservoir

Forgive me if I've grown a bit dry and repetitive with my posts lately, but I get a little Fibonacci about things when I smell a pattern. If a report shows up on the Vic Police site in a couple of weeks about some dude luring women with Arabic cigarettes, then grabbing them by their hoodies and hog tying them with cheap, yet oddly well-fitted polyester scarves (mostly grey, so far as I can tell thus far), just remember that I called it first. 
Of course I could be wrong. We may be witnessing the fledgling steps of a great entrepreneur who will some day soon own all our houses. Houses in Reservoir, yes, but still....

Coat for girl

Link: Coat for girl 

"I have a coat for girl thats only $5"
- Reservoir

Girl not included - she ran away when I took coat.

Cigarets for sale - Part 2

Link: Cigarets for sale - $10

Feb 7: "I have 20 boxes of Kent cigarets with triple filter and original and every pack has 20 cigarets witch is $10 each pack , there are 2 boxes witch each box contains 10 packs ." 
- Reservoir

It's Exotic

Link: Cigarets for sale $15

Feb 6: "I have 20 boxes of Kent cigarets with triple filter and original and every box contains 20 cigarets ,every box is $15" 
- Reservoir

Sounds like a good deal. Sure, that's about the same price as the cigarettes in shops, but those ones don't have exotic Arabic writing on the packet.

Boating For Beginners

Believe it or not, Edwardes Lake was something of a boating destination back in the day. Formerly home to the Preston Yacht Club, the lake once boasted a traditional weatherboard boat shed, and was quite the locale for tacking about and stealing kisses of an afternoon. The original boat shed somewhat unsurprisingly "burnt down" in the 1970's. Shortly thereafter it was faithfully rebuilt in the preferred medium of the day: chocolate brick. 
For some reason Edwardes Lake never regained its former status as a boating destination from that point; some blame the flashy choice of linoleum in the interior, others blame the rising heavy metal and toxic algae counts in the lake. Either way it's a shame. As a local councillor said recently: "Why can't we offer the same sort of recreational opportunities as Albert Park Lake, like boating? Why can't residents in the northern suburbs have a thriving lake?"
Probably because they'd have trouble shutting down the weekend trolley derby in the car park. And of course there's the toxic water thing. People are funny about that.

With thanks to C for the evocative image.

Light a Match

If you're wondering: no it's not hard waste week. It's not even hard waste month, or quarter. This might well be an illegal extension. My money says it's either gone or utilised within 24 hours though. Forgive me if I don't follow up on that.

It's a Way of Life

If I was presented with the opportunity to leave a message for generations to come, that's probably exactly what I'd say too.

Lust for Life

Link: Darebin Relay for Life cancelled

"DAREBIN's inaugural Relay for Life, which was due to be held in Reservoir this month, has been cancelled.
The relay was scheduled for November 10 and 11 at Edwardes Lake to raise money for the Cancer Council.
It's believed the event's committee wasn't able to raise enough support in time for the event."

You Can't Miss It


I see what you were doing here. You had a bunch of barely useful crap that you didn't want anymore, and your conscience wouldn't allow you to pitch it directly into landfill. So you drove around the block for roughly three minutes looking for a Vinnie's bin and found a mailbox instead, promptly concluding that parking your crap beside any large metal box with a handle is obviously an ethically and logically superior course of action to just chucking it in your bin. 
What amazes me is that this bunch of barely useful crap was actually gone the very next day, while similar piles of crap all over Rezza have lain in situ on kerbsides for months. Maybe this person is onto something.

Beauty is where you find it

Happy Australia Day From The 'Voir!

Rezza is awash with the smell of charred flesh and national pride today. The excitement began to build late last night with the sound of distant neighbours testing out their stocks of illegal fireworks. 
I have been led to understand that when Australia Day falls on a Saturday, creating a public holiday on Monday, it takes on a similar significance to a leap year or a Chisel tour, in that it hardly ever happens, but when it does you get to stay pissed for a whole extra day. 
I get the feeling that tonight is going to be amazing.


This is the theme song of the Mustangs (Reservoir Football Club). It is sung to the tune of "The Road to Gundagai", sometimes suddenly and without warning. 

We're a team with guts galore
We're the boys from Reservoir
We are the boys from Reservoir
From back to the forward line
Our system is divine
For courage we're we're renowned
We are wearing our colours
The mighty two blues
To the finals they take us
We're premiers through and through
Every game we're on the ball
All for one and one for all
We are the boys from Reservoir
We are the boys from Reservoir

Trust me, I want to know what the "divine system" is as much as you do, though my gut tells me it's probably just one or two variations on the classic "thump, grab and run like hell" play. I'd also really like the RGB scale of the "mighty two blues" before I go shopping on Broadway again in lavender.

But then we have this: an early 1950's Reservoir Football Club theme song, sung to the tune of "Bless 'em all".

There is a fair suburb 10 miles north of town,
Reservoir's township by name.
They have a great football team of red and white.
The premiership can be foreseen.
They play at Crispe Park as opponents well know.
They never do envy the match.
When they start a 'bashing',
We give them a thrashing,
And send them away for dispatch.
Thash 'em all, kick a score,
We've never been out of the four,
Foes chances are thinner
We'd eat them for dinner 
They can't beat the old Reservoir

I know. It's unsettling until you get to the last verse.

Our team's premiership history can be viewed here.
You can't say we don't participate.

Reservoir Gothic

I'm a big fan of follies. Be it Kryal Castle or the Brighton Royal Pavilion, I say if you've got a dream so crazy that it's improbable you'll succeed and you'll leave people baffled for years to come, then go for it!
This is my favourite house in all of Reservoir, even including the Resbian house, the Graceland house and the Christmas house. I'm sure you can see why. Its greatness is compounded by its location, wedged in a backstreet behind the waste exchange centre, down by a toxic tributary, in a street where none of the other houses are exactly standing on ceremony, if they're standing at all.

You can just tell that this house was built by someone with a dream, someone who knew what they wanted (layers of grandness, a wrap-around driveway with a twin garage at each end, impressive tilework, private vinyard, gratuitous title), and who at various points was probably overheard saying "I don't give a fuck if it looks odd. This is what I want." 
I salute you!