Link: A TOMAHAWK wielding bandit has been terrorising the northern suburbs.
Out on the prow
The Broadway Queen gift shop has a fantastic range of t-shirts. I had been worried I'd missed out on this one in the Christmas mayhem. Amazingly enough it was still there today though.
Tell your mother I loved her
Today I witnessed the touching sight of a father and son in matching wife beaters taking a bike ride together. They got to the end of the street, then I heard dad calling:
"Go back to the house now mate. Go on ahead of me and stay on the footpath. I'm gunna walk. I'm fucked."
"Go back to the house now mate. Go on ahead of me and stay on the footpath. I'm gunna walk. I'm fucked."
Merry Christmas from the 'Voir!
And to all the lovely Russians who keep visiting this blog:
С Рождеством Христовым от водохранилища, все, что Вы замечательный русских!
The best laid plans
It's always upsetting to see a new age business bite it in the arse, but they should have seen that this is a closed market. In Reservoir people already know that they are alive. And brilliant. And if you suggest a course of personal development, they will quite justifiably tell you "I'm fine. Fuck off and fix yourself."
Sweet Ride
I am gardening when a pair of tween girls appears at my gate.
"Excuse me," one of them asks, "Could you drive us to the end of the street?"
"Why?"
"We're tired and can't be bothered walking."
I look to the end of the street. It's a couple of hundred metres at most. I look back to the girls. They look back at me. No-one blinks.
"Sorry." I say, "I can't. It's not far. You'll be right."
They confer.
"But you've got a car."
They point to it.
I nervously feign an urgent burst of pruning.
"I'm busy. The exercise will be good for you."
They walk on, scowling. A few minutes later they sail past my fence squealing with delight on the back of a hotted up 3-wheeler bike with a tray being ridden frantically by an awkward tween boy.
"Excuse me," one of them asks, "Could you drive us to the end of the street?"
"Why?"
"We're tired and can't be bothered walking."
I look to the end of the street. It's a couple of hundred metres at most. I look back to the girls. They look back at me. No-one blinks.
"Sorry." I say, "I can't. It's not far. You'll be right."
They confer.
"But you've got a car."
They point to it.
I nervously feign an urgent burst of pruning.
"I'm busy. The exercise will be good for you."
They walk on, scowling. A few minutes later they sail past my fence squealing with delight on the back of a hotted up 3-wheeler bike with a tray being ridden frantically by an awkward tween boy.
"Hey guys, check this out."
Link: BBQ burn in Reservoir
A MAN was burnt while lighting a barbecue in Reservoir last night.
The man, aged in his 30s, was injured while trying to start the barbecue about 8.30pm, advanced life support paramedic Elisa Cuomo said.
“The man apparently poured petrol on to the barbecue which flashed back,” she said.
He suffered superficial burns to his back and abdomen.
The man was given pain relief and taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital in a stable condition.
All along the watchtower
Reservoir has a Jehova's congregation! Wow, those guys aren't about the simple challenges, are they?
I hope they doorknock me. I've got loads of questions for them.
I hope they doorknock me. I've got loads of questions for them.
Cuckoo's Nest
I am walking down a local street when a preschooler tears out of a driveway and flies past me, a blur of tiny flaying limbs and teeth and fury, screaming "Fuck yaaaa, ya fucken mole!!! Fuck yaaaaa......!!!!!!"
As I reach the gate mum slumps gasping onto the fence and stops to light a cigarette.
"Get away from you did he?" I ask.
She exhales.
"Little bugger got out the bloody window again."
As I reach the gate mum slumps gasping onto the fence and stops to light a cigarette.
"Get away from you did he?" I ask.
She exhales.
"Little bugger got out the bloody window again."
Deck the halls
For anyone considering taking their own Rezza Christmas shots, I would offer this advice: when a dog starts barking in the house, put down the camera and accelerate. Don't hang around to get a few more shots.
Urban renewal
A car drove through a wall of the Reservoir library recently. It remains unclear whether the incident was a protest against the library's inefficiency in stocking the Reed/Metallica album, or if it was in fact phase one of the government's redevelopment plan.
A question of belief
Overheard:
"He's gunna get a tatt right here on his arm of a Buddha. He's not Buddhist, but he likes the beliefs an' shit. Or he might get one of a guitar."
Lonesome cones
There's an ice cream truck in Reservoir that plays the blues. Listening to it curb crawl the back streets of my neighbourhood was about the most unsettling thing I could imagine, until a friend suggested I visualise Jim Jarmusch driving it.
Show and Tell
Link: Boy, 12, suffered stab wound in incident at Reservoir
Apparently up here being stabbed in the face is considered an "upper body wound". I guess I can see that. Sort of.
Apparently up here being stabbed in the face is considered an "upper body wound". I guess I can see that. Sort of.
More Power
An enthusiastic young bloke knocks at my door promising he won't try to make me change my electricity supplier. I'm intrigued to find out where the conversation could go from here.
"You're not selling lollies or bin bags are you?" I ask.
"No." he says.
He clears his throat.
He goes on to tell me that I should change my electricity provider.
I compliment him on his canny employment of semantic manipulation.
We share an awkward moment of silence.
He promises me huge savings, all in percentile rather than dollar values, which is exciting, mainly because he has a graph. I tell him how nice the colours are. He thanks me.
Eventually I reluctantly have to tell him that I have already chosen to pay extra for a green energy plan. I tell him I believe it's an important stance to take, even if only symbolic, if we are to have any influence on driving the industry towards sustainable outcomes in the long term.
"Wow." he says.
"I've never had one of those before. I don't know what I'm supposed to say."
"You're not selling lollies or bin bags are you?" I ask.
"No." he says.
He clears his throat.
He goes on to tell me that I should change my electricity provider.
I compliment him on his canny employment of semantic manipulation.
We share an awkward moment of silence.
He promises me huge savings, all in percentile rather than dollar values, which is exciting, mainly because he has a graph. I tell him how nice the colours are. He thanks me.
Eventually I reluctantly have to tell him that I have already chosen to pay extra for a green energy plan. I tell him I believe it's an important stance to take, even if only symbolic, if we are to have any influence on driving the industry towards sustainable outcomes in the long term.
"Wow." he says.
"I've never had one of those before. I don't know what I'm supposed to say."
Short Changed
The Spring Street Coles has no real coffee and no bottle shop, but has an entire aisle dedicated to baby goods. No wonder the women here are so pissed off. I know I was.
You had me at Goon
For anyone looking to join me in the Rezza action, I've found this fantastic bungalow for rent:
Link: Sweet Ass Bungalow
"Looking for a young heavy drinker that likes fun goon enthusiast MUST have a fantastic music taste aka no fucking popsters the house is pretty sweet massive back yard the bungalow is dope email or text me your likes and hates and I'll get back to you"
I like that the room amenities are specified as "Yard", and that you can be gay or straight, just so long as you're not in a relationship. This household is clearly all about the lifestyle.
I would love to know more about "Pet".
Link: Sweet Ass Bungalow
"Looking for a young heavy drinker that likes fun goon enthusiast MUST have a fantastic music taste aka no fucking popsters the house is pretty sweet massive back yard the bungalow is dope email or text me your likes and hates and I'll get back to you"
I like that the room amenities are specified as "Yard", and that you can be gay or straight, just so long as you're not in a relationship. This household is clearly all about the lifestyle.
I would love to know more about "Pet".
Robin Hood
Overheard:
"I'm makin' toys for Christmas for the cancer kiddies at the children's hospital. It cheers them up and it gives me something to do. And the materials don't cost me anything. They're hot - fell off the back of a truck."
"I'm makin' toys for Christmas for the cancer kiddies at the children's hospital. It cheers them up and it gives me something to do. And the materials don't cost me anything. They're hot - fell off the back of a truck."
Each Way Bet
Overheard at the Summerhill Go-Lo:
"Nah that's alright. We can get dressed up and get pissed at the races instead."
"Nah that's alright. We can get dressed up and get pissed at the races instead."
Suffer the Little Children
My neighbour's kids pop round regularly to bash at the door.
"Let us in!!!!" they scream, and "Have ya got any lollies?"
Sadly I can't let them in any more, because I've realised that my insurance company may view it as complicit behaviour. Instead I pretend not to be home.
"We know you're in there! We can see you!"
"Sorry kids, I'm on the phone." (Move to back room holding remote control to ear)
...
.....
.......
...........
................
"Are ya off the phone yet?!?"
...
.....
.......
.........
Car alarm goes off in the distance.
"Let us in!!!!" they scream, and "Have ya got any lollies?"
Sadly I can't let them in any more, because I've realised that my insurance company may view it as complicit behaviour. Instead I pretend not to be home.
"We know you're in there! We can see you!"
"Sorry kids, I'm on the phone." (Move to back room holding remote control to ear)
...
.....
.......
...........
................
"Are ya off the phone yet?!?"
...
.....
.......
.........
Car alarm goes off in the distance.
Where there's a Will
Parenting in Reservoir:
"Get off the bloody road!!!"
"Why?!?"
"Cos uncle Will won't love ya!!!"
"Get off the bloody road!!!"
"Why?!?"
"Cos uncle Will won't love ya!!!"
Exotic Monster
This blog has had a lot of hits from Russia. Not an extraordinary amount, but more than enough to confound me, given the nature of my content. So I googled "Reservoir Russia" and found a number of likely links that might explain the phenomenon. Eventually, though, I decided that this one was my preferred explanation:
Link: Piranha caught in Russian reservoir
Link: Piranha caught in Russian reservoir
An angler in the Urals got an unlikely catch – after hooking a flesh-eating Amazon piranha.
The exotic monster, weighing in at 1.1 kg, was caught by Igor Voronov in Verkhnetagilskaya power station’s reservoir in the Urals. Experts worry that more piranhas are left in the lake.
“As usual, the float moved, and I felt that I had caught something big. But when I took the fish out of the water, I was flabbergasted: it was something otherworldly,” Voronov told LifeNews.
“It could have only appeared in the reservoir from fish tank owners. They buy them, and when they grow up, set them free in the lakes,” ichthyologist Nadezhda Burdakova said.
Experts will check the water for more predators, but stress that the Russian winter will kill them anyway.
I would like to apologise in advance to the Soviet Union as a whole, for the exponential effect this post will most likely now have on the misdirection of Russians to my blog, and also for how utterly incomprehensible the above article from the Moscow News will probably be by the time it has been auto-translated out of, and then back into, Russian language by your preferred web translation site.
Feeling Peckish
It just now occurred to me that I haven't heard the rooster over the road crow since right before Halloween.
Citizenship Test
Are you from Reservoir? Find out by taking this quick quiz:
What do you see in the picture below?
a) Pizza Hut
b) Two blokes bumming each other
c) The most contentious blackspot intersection in the Northern region
d) The sickest place to lay patch
e) All of the above
Scoring:
a - e: You are probably from Reservoir
Transaction Declined
Link: Theft Bid Fails as ATM Blast Shakes Suburb
I'm not sure what I like most about this story: the fact that these guys managed to blow up both an ATM and a chemist and not make off with either cash or drugs, or the fact that the media informant thought it best to protect his identity with the name "Pasquale."
I'm not sure what I like most about this story: the fact that these guys managed to blow up both an ATM and a chemist and not make off with either cash or drugs, or the fact that the media informant thought it best to protect his identity with the name "Pasquale."
1st Rule: You do not talk about Playground
If this is your first night at PLAYGROUND, you HAVE to play.
Fountain of Youth
Unlike women in most other places, Reservoir women aren't flattered when you tell them they look too young to be a grandmother. That's because they were teen mothers. Learnt that one the hard way.
Spatter Zone
The Summerhill Medical Clinic still has a unilateral bulk billing policy.
They also have a shonky sign taped to the front counter saying:
"If your child feels ill please ask reception for a bucket."
They also have a shonky sign taped to the front counter saying:
"If your child feels ill please ask reception for a bucket."
Puff 'n Stuff
Heard over the fence:
"Nah there's six bongs - four hex-head bongs and two mini bongs."
Sounds of physical exertion...........
"This one's fucken awesome."
Note to self: bake something nice for the neighbours.
"Nah there's six bongs - four hex-head bongs and two mini bongs."
Sounds of physical exertion...........
"This one's fucken awesome."
Note to self: bake something nice for the neighbours.
Spring Fling
The guys around the corner have built a sick bike jump in their driveway for their tiny little bmx's out of a milk crate and some 3-ply. The guys are about 30.
Daisy Pushers
There's a 24 hour florist on Bell Street. People have told me it's because there's a cemetery nearby.
Ergo: visiting a cemetery in Reservoir at 3am isn't weird, but forgetting to take flowers is.
Ergo: visiting a cemetery in Reservoir at 3am isn't weird, but forgetting to take flowers is.
She Bangs
My neighbour stopped me for a chat at the front gate. He wanted to know if they had woken me up with all the noise the night before. They hadn't, but he had certainly piqued my curiosity.
"My wife got locked in the toilet. She said she was banging at the door and yelling for eight hours, but I never heard anything. I slept right through."
"Is she alright?"
"Ah, don't worry about her, she's fine. Just wanted to make sure you weren't bothered by all the racket."
"My wife got locked in the toilet. She said she was banging at the door and yelling for eight hours, but I never heard anything. I slept right through."
"Is she alright?"
"Ah, don't worry about her, she's fine. Just wanted to make sure you weren't bothered by all the racket."
Secret Recipe
Hands down my favourite piece of journalism all year:
Link: Fowl play in Reservoir, where chook heist horrifies residents
Link: Fowl play in Reservoir, where chook heist horrifies residents
Lawn Politics
Until I moved to Reservoir I never knew that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who maintain their lawns properly and those who don't. It's serious business. Those who don't are gradually made to feel very uncomfortable via a number of methods. One of the more popular methods is this one:
For my own part, I regularly come home to find that my nature strip has been mown, and I rarely know who has done it.
Friends tell me it's nice, and that I need to let go of my belief that it's creepy.
I would probably find this easier if not for the fact that I have my own mower and all my neighbours know this.
Bingo Bonanza!
I've noticed that the one place in Reservoir that's always jumping, aside from the Tabaret and the Rose Shamrock Hotel of course, is the Broadway Bingo Centre.
Now I understand why. Check out these fantastic prizes:
Now I understand why. Check out these fantastic prizes:
I particularly like all the $999 prizes. Given that pricing something at $999 is a classic strategy for making a thousand dollar thing sound like it's actually a whole lot cheaper than a thousand dollars, I think this represents a touching humility on the part of the organisers. I'm going to have to check this place out.
You can see their website here.
Small Claim
The Reservoir H & R Block is only open on Mondays from 11am - 5pm, or on other days by special prior appointment. Clearly tax isn't a pressing issue in this community. Skase should have run to Reservoir.
Postscript: It seems only fair to mention that this is their only branch that ever got me any money back.
Postscript: It seems only fair to mention that this is their only branch that ever got me any money back.
Feel the Love
I was the 6th person to like the Reservoir Railway Station Facebook page and the 16th person to like the Reservoir Facebook page. That was almost 6 months ago. Each page has attracted one more like since I joined them. Both are friends of mine. Neither lives in Reservoir.
Read on if you love a bargain
This arrived in my mailbox a while back. For some time it was just a source of amusement. But then I started shopping at Bob's and now I have to say that the prices really are crazy.
But wait, there's more on the back.....
"I am going to do something no other green grocer has the guts to do."
Evidently free lettuce was uncharted territory within their industry until recently. Go Bob's!
Taste Test
Product advice from the sales assistant at Summerhill Safeway liquor:
"Them ones are really nice. They don't even taste like they've got alcohol in 'em."
Note: To date Woolworths haven't attempted to rebrand this branch of Safeway. Actually I'm pretty sure the signage is circa 1981.
"Them ones are really nice. They don't even taste like they've got alcohol in 'em."
Note: To date Woolworths haven't attempted to rebrand this branch of Safeway. Actually I'm pretty sure the signage is circa 1981.
More shattered(er)
Overheard at Northland(s):
"That's why I'm so shattered. We were rool sick c**ts, and now we mean nothin' to each other..."
"That's why I'm so shattered. We were rool sick c**ts, and now we mean nothin' to each other..."
Shattered
Overheard at the Thirsty Camel Drive Thru:
"I never been more shattered. Except when Geelong lost the cup. Then I was totally shattered...."
"I never been more shattered. Except when Geelong lost the cup. Then I was totally shattered...."
Food Star All You Can Eat: Part 4 - The Dream Realised
The commanding facade
God is in the detail (NB: Drinks incur extra charges)
Sumptuous International Cuisine
International Desserts
Food Star All You Can Eat: Part 3
Have just joined the I ♥ Food Star - Reservoir group on Facebook. I'm reassured by the fact that 3 of the (now) 4 members have Geelong origins. I have a good feeling about this.
Food Star All You Can Eat: Part 2
This is word-for-word cut and paste from the web site:
At Foodstar we're always looking for great new people to join our team, but what's in it for you?
- Need extra pocket money to buy an ipod, psp or pay for schoolies? No problem, a few shifts will do the trick.
- We're open 10am to 10pm 7 days a week so you'll always find a time that suits your hours.
- Youthful culture. Everyone here is young and in high school or uni (except the people who work in the kitchen) so if you want to meet other people your age, it's a great place to start. Hey we have even seen love blossom at Foodstar! It's true!
- No experience. No worries! We just want people who can speak English and have a great smile :P
- Free Food, well almost... You get whatever is left after the customers leave. Hey it's better than nothing, it's still restaurant quality food.
So what now? Download the job application form and bring it to your nearest store and give it to the manager.
Don't believe me? Fine. Click here.
I can't take credit for the link to Wikipedia explaining what "love" is though; that was actually embedded in their site.
I can't take credit for the link to Wikipedia explaining what "love" is though; that was actually embedded in their site.
Food Star All You Can Eat: Part 1
This is now my closest restaurant. Naturally I am excited to learn all about it.
Click here for the handy price calculator. Love it!!!
Seniors lunch on Sunday now with prawns. Win win!
Click here for the handy price calculator. Love it!!!
Seniors lunch on Sunday now with prawns. Win win!
Bake Day
My friend, her two year old daughter and I take a drive to Northland(s), because that is what you do when you move to Reservoir. As we are driving down Albert Street a large, heavily tattooed man bolts into the oncoming traffic with a look of unbridled terror in his face. Seconds later a petite, fairly psychotic young woman hurls herself into the traffic after him wielding a rolling pin. For one god-awful split second she locks eyes with us Medusa-like and we slump into our seats in an attempt to neither laugh or soil ourselves.
When she passes my friend says
"That really happened right?"
"Yes." I say.
"Why the hell did she have a fucking rolling pin? I mean, it's not like she's actually in the habit of baking pies, is it?"
When she passes my friend says
"That really happened right?"
"Yes." I say.
"Why the hell did she have a fucking rolling pin? I mean, it's not like she's actually in the habit of baking pies, is it?"
No Sale
A man with a pot belly and a huge 'stache wearing a t-shirt, footy shorts & thongs knocks at my door. He is holding a pack of jumbo bin liners and a pack of generic boiled lollies.
He says: "Sellin' these for charity. Ten bucks for the bag of lollies, or the pack of ten bin bags, or for both."
He says: "Sellin' these for charity. Ten bucks for the bag of lollies, or the pack of ten bin bags, or for both."
4 Sale
I love that making a half decent sign was obviously too much work, but chaining the bitch down tight enough that the jaws of life couldn't liberate it was no hassle at all.
That said, wise move.
The Good News
In my enthusiasm to integrate seamlessly into my new environment, I begin researching news stories online. A colourful and exciting picture begins to emerge.
Some fascinating links:
Nude man attempts break in at Reservoir
Three arrested over ram raids
Reservoir Police raid
Disabled man hit by car at pedestrian crossing
Taser, sledgehammer used in bashing
Search for alleged 'Vampire Murderer'
Reservoir man Eric tells of terrifying fight with pit bull that killed his dog and latched on to his arm
Some fascinating links:
Nude man attempts break in at Reservoir
Three arrested over ram raids
Reservoir Police raid
Disabled man hit by car at pedestrian crossing
Taser, sledgehammer used in bashing
Search for alleged 'Vampire Murderer'
Reservoir man Eric tells of terrifying fight with pit bull that killed his dog and latched on to his arm
Moving Day
Moving day went in the usual fashion: dust, a van, two paid men grunting under the weight of a metal action sofa bed not declared on the job sheet. A resolute nod as I closed the door on my last twenty years of life in the inner city. Change is good.
As we unloaded into my new home I became aware of a woman loitering at my gate, watching me while small children swarmed around her.
"Hello." I said.
She replied "Have you changed the locks yet?"
Welcome to Reservoir.
As we unloaded into my new home I became aware of a woman loitering at my gate, watching me while small children swarmed around her.
"Hello." I said.
She replied "Have you changed the locks yet?"
Welcome to Reservoir.
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