Tonight I saw a small sedan with vanity plates that said GR8NES. It took me a few moments to step through the phonetics before I realised what a masterpiece of irony I was dealing with. I pursued it hotly for a while but it was going too fast for me, and eventually I lost it when I reprioritised and turned off at the bottle shop. Oh well, we don't all achieve GR8NES. Most of us just have it thrust upon us and have to be satisfied with blogging about it instead.
Small and Humble
I just met a tiny child named Shakira. This is fantastic. I had heard they were out there, but I had never seen one until now.
Farm Fresh
There are lots of reasons not to buy vegetables at a Reservoir supermarket. Here's the main one:
"Um, what's this?"
"A beetroot."
"Really?"
......
"What's this?"
"A sweet potato."
"What's this?"
...........
Yes, this is the cashier.
"Um, what's this?"
"A beetroot."
"Really?"
......
"What's this?"
"A sweet potato."
"What's this?"
...........
Yes, this is the cashier.
Stockholm Syndrome
A few nights ago there was a frantic knocking at my door. I ignored it for awhile but eventually I was distracted enough to pause my iview stream and answer it. A young American girl stood on my doorstep. Rather nervously, she told me that she was on her way to meet a friend for a house interview, but there was a woman standing on the corner screaming, so she felt reticent about crossing the road. I stepped out onto the porch.
"So there is." I observed.
There was an awkward moment of silence, before the young American girl said:
"I feel like I should call for help or something. Do you think she's alright?"
"No - I think she's alright." I said. "I'll re-evaluate if she stops screaming."
The young American girl and I stood and stared at one another for a few seconds, then she said:
"Do you mind if I stay on your porch until she goes?"
"Oh I'm so sorry!" I said, " Do you want to come in? Please, feel free to hang around here for a bit. It's much warmer inside."
She thanked me and stepped inside, to witness me scraping piles of unfurled newspapers from the sofa to make way for her. She sat on the very edge of the seat and began dialling madly on her mobile.
"So are you moving to the area because you're studying at LaTrobe?" I asked.
"Yes." she replied.
"Oh that's great, how exciting." I said. "And you're going for a room in a house right now?"
"Yes." she replied, still dialling. "I'm supposed to meet my friend, but she's not answering."
She looked up at me.
"Is this a safe area?" she asked.
"Absolutely." I replied, "Ok, so once in a while there's a crazy domestic like out there right now, but mostly it's just retirees and young families, and usually it's really quiet. I've spent the last 20 years living in the inner city, and I've got to say that I feel safer walking around here at night than I ever did back there."
I admit that I felt a little smug at this point, like a great ambassador of the 'Voir, spreading The Word.
There was a momentary pause, and then I realised I was wearing mini-uggs and tracky dacks, and she was sitting in between piles of my old newspapers. Faint screams were still audible in the distance.
She left.
I don't know if she got the house or not. I'll keep an eye out for her.
"So there is." I observed.
There was an awkward moment of silence, before the young American girl said:
"I feel like I should call for help or something. Do you think she's alright?"
"No - I think she's alright." I said. "I'll re-evaluate if she stops screaming."
The young American girl and I stood and stared at one another for a few seconds, then she said:
"Do you mind if I stay on your porch until she goes?"
"Oh I'm so sorry!" I said, " Do you want to come in? Please, feel free to hang around here for a bit. It's much warmer inside."
She thanked me and stepped inside, to witness me scraping piles of unfurled newspapers from the sofa to make way for her. She sat on the very edge of the seat and began dialling madly on her mobile.
"So are you moving to the area because you're studying at LaTrobe?" I asked.
"Yes." she replied.
"Oh that's great, how exciting." I said. "And you're going for a room in a house right now?"
"Yes." she replied, still dialling. "I'm supposed to meet my friend, but she's not answering."
She looked up at me.
"Is this a safe area?" she asked.
"Absolutely." I replied, "Ok, so once in a while there's a crazy domestic like out there right now, but mostly it's just retirees and young families, and usually it's really quiet. I've spent the last 20 years living in the inner city, and I've got to say that I feel safer walking around here at night than I ever did back there."
I admit that I felt a little smug at this point, like a great ambassador of the 'Voir, spreading The Word.
There was a momentary pause, and then I realised I was wearing mini-uggs and tracky dacks, and she was sitting in between piles of my old newspapers. Faint screams were still audible in the distance.
She left.
I don't know if she got the house or not. I'll keep an eye out for her.
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words # 2
What I found in my garden:
Someone sure tore into those packets urgently.
I'm betting one of my neighbours has a shorter
garden hose now.
Return of The Fumigator
A couple of nights ago in a Reservoir supermarket a shoeless individual entered holding an aerosol can of deodorant. He approached a cashier and proclaimed:
"I bought this deodorant here!", then held it up to her face preparing to discharge it into her eyes. She ducked, as did all the other cashiers, like dominoes, behind her.
He then moved to the service desk and walked back and forth spraying the deodorant across the counter, then left, aerosol still in hand.
My witness was unable to confirm whether or not the perpetrator was wearing a Reservoir Hogs T-shirt. Apparently the store smelled quite pleasant for a while afterwards though.
"I bought this deodorant here!", then held it up to her face preparing to discharge it into her eyes. She ducked, as did all the other cashiers, like dominoes, behind her.
He then moved to the service desk and walked back and forth spraying the deodorant across the counter, then left, aerosol still in hand.
My witness was unable to confirm whether or not the perpetrator was wearing a Reservoir Hogs T-shirt. Apparently the store smelled quite pleasant for a while afterwards though.
FOR SALE IS MY FORD FAIRMONT
"This car is not like others. This car is a 6 cylinder in very very good conditions, and I cant describe it because you dont going to belive it, so... please come and see for you self or call me if you have any questions Thank you.
John"
Sounds too good to be true. I'm betting conditions apply.
Adding Insult to Injury
Link: Melbourne siege ends with $15m drug haul
Police raided properties in Reservoir, Brunswick, Maribyrnong, Glenferrie and St Leonards this morning.
Detective Superintendent Doug Fryer said the raids uncovered one of the most sophisticated drug labs officers had seen in 10 years.
Just in case you're wondering: no, the "sophisticated" lab wasn't the one they found in Reservoir.
Police raided properties in Reservoir, Brunswick, Maribyrnong, Glenferrie and St Leonards this morning.
Detective Superintendent Doug Fryer said the raids uncovered one of the most sophisticated drug labs officers had seen in 10 years.
Just in case you're wondering: no, the "sophisticated" lab wasn't the one they found in Reservoir.
Last Resort
I can see why the locals rejected this so violently. Trying to sell lifestyle to Reservoirians is like trying to sell an awesome moustache to Boonie.
A World Without Order
At the supermarket tonight I handed my cloth bag to the checkout chick and told her it would be fine to put everything in there together. She seemed pretty distressed by the prospect of all my loose, unlike items colliding recklessly with each other.
I watched with amusement as she took handfuls of plastic bags and lovingly wadded them between all the items in the cloth bag to buffer them.
I can't stop thinking about how that poor girl must wonder why people buy cloth bags. I kind of hope she feels sorry for us.
I watched with amusement as she took handfuls of plastic bags and lovingly wadded them between all the items in the cloth bag to buffer them.
I can't stop thinking about how that poor girl must wonder why people buy cloth bags. I kind of hope she feels sorry for us.
The Fumigator
This wonderful account was sent to me recently:
"Walking down the personal hygiene aisle in the supermarket in Northland, i spotted a guy moving quickly along the aisle spraying the contents of a not unpleasant smelling can onto other products on the shelves. The woman working nearby gave him a stern talking to. Then i noticed he was wearing a 'Reservoir Hogs" T Shirt....."
It goes without saying that I want one of these shirts.
Interesting thing is though, that when I sought out Reservoir Hogs, I discovered that it's one of two Harley dealers in Reservoir: there's Reservoir Hogs and Doc Hogs. I have to wonder how a suburb where many people struggle to maintain a single family car can support not one but TWO elite motorcycle outlets.
Oh........
Thanks to B for the witness account
"Walking down the personal hygiene aisle in the supermarket in Northland, i spotted a guy moving quickly along the aisle spraying the contents of a not unpleasant smelling can onto other products on the shelves. The woman working nearby gave him a stern talking to. Then i noticed he was wearing a 'Reservoir Hogs" T Shirt....."
It goes without saying that I want one of these shirts.
Interesting thing is though, that when I sought out Reservoir Hogs, I discovered that it's one of two Harley dealers in Reservoir: there's Reservoir Hogs and Doc Hogs. I have to wonder how a suburb where many people struggle to maintain a single family car can support not one but TWO elite motorcycle outlets.
Oh........
Thanks to B for the witness account
Going Down to Graceland
I think it's safe to say that this is the most amazing thing in all of Reservoir. In fact, I'm really not sure where I can go from here.
With HUGE thanks to A for the pic
Not Quite Right
I take the provenance of my material very seriously. There is a good deal of content I haven't posted because it was seen or heard outside the bounds of Reservoir. When people ask why I take such a serious stance on this, I tell them it's because I won't jeopardise the integrity of my blog. They tend to laugh at this point, though some just frown and take a few steps away from me.
I have to make an exception in this case, and I trust you will appreciate why. This picture was submitted to me from down the hill in Northcote. You will note that someone has fashioned a truly impressive swing / aerial fortress by suspending an NQR trolley from a tree. I'm guessing the scattered milk crates serve as some kind of hillbilly building blocks. Outstanding.
I'd rather not speculate what the bucket is for.
With thanks to SB for the image
Hector the Cat
Conversation between a father and his primary school age daughter:
"Get yer fucken bike onto the path."
"Why?"
"Cos that's how ya get hit by a fucken car an' ya die."
For some reason all I thought of when I heard this was the Hector the Cat jingle. This dad could be the Hector of the new millennium.
Watch and enjoy: Hector the Cat
"Get yer fucken bike onto the path."
"Why?"
"Cos that's how ya get hit by a fucken car an' ya die."
For some reason all I thought of when I heard this was the Hector the Cat jingle. This dad could be the Hector of the new millennium.
Watch and enjoy: Hector the Cat
Taste the Rainbow
I can see two likely explanations for this magnificent display:
1) The outlet pipe from the meth lab next door isn't elevated enough
2) The house is occupied by Resbians*
It's touchingly Reservoir that following such a flagrant outburst of freeform expression the household has continued to manicure the lawn with Diophantic precision, and then parked a car on it.
* Resbian: A lesbian from Reservoir.
Apparently this is a burgeoning demographic at present in the 'Voir. Exciting times. If you thought the collective noun "A Northcote of Lesbians" was edgy, try queue jumping a Resbian at the Broadway Puff 'n Stuff.
With thanks to A for the pic
A Rose by Any Other Name
Amongst my fellow newcomers to Reservoir, I'm sad to say that there are a few who struggle with the implications of claiming this great suburb as their home. Indeed, it sits so heavily with some that they attempt to excise themselves Coyote Ugly style from Reservoir by inventing new suburbs, as though no-one will notice. The best known example of this is the ongoing propagation of the Regent myth, in which the real estate industry has been complicit. Another contender is the surprisingly grandiose Oakhill Estate in the Eastern end of Reservoir. While the names have legitimate origins, these areas nonetheless fall squarely within the great state of Rezza, and they will continue to do so until a film star or an elected member of parliament moves in.
Of those who continue to argue the point I would ask only this:
What is your postcode?
If it's 3073 you live in Reservoir. Suck it up.
And West Regent is Preston, so don't even think about trying that on.
Footnote: I am informed via indisputable heresay that former State Premier John Cain at one point lived in Oakhill Estate. I'm still not sure if this negates or supports my argument - after all he may well have been responsible for the title "Oakhill Estate" in the first place for all I know.
Happy Easter from the 'Voir!
There is a remarkable lack of fanfare surrounding Easter in Reservoir. I find this surprising in a suburb that celebrates most public holidays with the fervour of an Olympics host city. Doubly surprising for a holiday synonymous with discount chocolate.
I guess in a place where near-death experiences are such a commonplace part of life the story of the resurrection doesn't hold much stock. You could knock on almost any door in Reservoir and chances are that you would find someone who has been dead at least as many times as Jesus was. The difference is that they would probably preface their story with "You shoulda seen it. It was awesome......."
I think the holly next to this partially impaired rabbit is a nice touch. Nothing says Jesus quite like an incongruous grouping of pagan symbols.
Happy Tourette Syndrome Awareness Week from the 'Voir!
Link: Reservoir man lifts the lid on Tourette syndrome
"....unlike the common stereotype, Mr Grecian doesn’t have outbursts of swearing, a symptom called coprolalia, which occurs in fewer than 15 per cent of Tourette sufferers.
"....unlike the common stereotype, Mr Grecian doesn’t have outbursts of swearing, a symptom called coprolalia, which occurs in fewer than 15 per cent of Tourette sufferers.
He said he lived a life similar to most young men, learning panel beating at Kangan Batman Institute of TAFE, supporting the Collingwood Football Club and spending time with friends."
Let me get clear on this: a Reservoir panel beater who supports Collingwood and has Tourette Syndrome, yet doesn't have random outbursts of swearing......
Give this man a fucking medal!
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