Effs for short

In the tradition of a couple of generations of inventive nomenclature in Reservoir, I bring you Effone. I discussed correct pronunciation with a couple of friends and we agreed it should rhyme with "deafer knee". We also agreed the name is made no less attractive by the fact that Effone has elected to tag it onto the back of a local junior league football shelter and punctuate it with a mark we debated as being perhaps a superfluous quotation mark, an umlaut, or the somewhat more likely option of a smiley face.

Not In My Back Yard

I'd like to send a special hello to all our local candidates in the upcoming federal election. 

Having Rezza in your electorate on polling day must be like having an A.D.D kid on a hot air balloon ride. Enjoy!

Mixed Media

In this work we see a highly creative, if not subversive application of the artist's trademark 'Cock and Balls' motif onto pre-existing utilitarian forms on the exterior of a rental vehicle. A postmodern bas-relief technique has been employed wherein dirt and detritus are removed from a soiled surface by hand to expose clean, negative space. We can assume it is no coincidence that he chose an Atlas rental vehicle for his canvas, speaking as it does in the most literal sense of the weight of the modern world in which we find ourselves. When juxtaposed with the whimsy of the primitivist phallic form, (drawn twice, to seemingly emphasise its impact, yet on the balance, quite consciously diluting it) then taking his work "to the streets" via this most literal and incidental of methods, the viewer is left only with the question: "What is permanent anyway?"

And if you fall......

All great music careers have to start somewhere. I guess by that logic they have to end somewhere too.

Can I please ask everyone out there to put down the bong, take a moment to raise your lighters high and sing a verse with me for Daryl?

Can't you see him, he's down on the grou-ound
He has a broken wing, looking all arou-ou-ound
That's the way it's gonna be little darlin' (be little darlin')
You'll go riding on the horses yeah yeah
Way up in the sky little darlin' (in the sky-y little darlin')
Oh, and if you fall I'll pick you up, pick you u-up

Man, I bet there was some sick denim in the RSL that night.

Stranger Danger

A local mother, calling to her children: 
"Get inside! There's a cunt lookin' at ya!"
To the cunt: 
"You're a fucken idiot!!"

Mum - 1
Cunt - 0

Na Mate We Can Fix It!

My guess is that you don't come up with a name like this until you've been asked "Is it fucked?" enough times.

The Harbinger

A while back now I noticed this very upsetting development in the local community - Reservoir cultural institution and social mecca Broadway Bingo Centre has closed down. Yes. Anyone who has made it right through this blog will know the special place that Bingo Bonanza held in my heart, like here, and here. 

More recently it has emerged that the Bingo is to be replaced by the incongruous yet increasingly predictable real estate outcome in Reservoir of a commercial gym.

I guess a few months from now the flickering Bingo sign will be gone and Broadway will be increasingly populated with people in lycra zipping intently from their car past the op shop and the crazy bargains shop up the stairs (two or three at a time) to the gym. 

On the plus side, I guess they'll help Rezza's mortality stats, and to be fair we could probably use a boost there. For a while at least though, whenever I see the gym I'll still think of the dismal array of people you always used to see chugging a durrie on the pebble mix staircase between bingo games. I'll never be able to explain the fondness I formed for them. Maybe it was because they always looked as though they were exactly where they wanted to be. You never see that in a gym.

Destiny's Children

Ace Ventura Pet Detective

You know those moments where there is suddenly a perfect symmetry in the world, and it gives you an overwhelming sense of place? I just saw an Ace Ventura Pet Detective leg tattoo. It was mesmerising, and my urge to take a photo was only barely tempered by the fact that I was a little afraid of the woman it belonged to.
The sighting perfectly bookended a day that had begun listening to a breakfast radio conversation about how irretrievably Ace Ventura has failed to stand the test of time. I wonder if she was listening to the show this morning and was prompted to bare her legs today in defiance of popular opinion. I kind of hope so.
Had I managed to take a photo, this is what you would see, only black and white. And on a leg of course. Honestly, who could get sick of that face?

Well there goes the best sight gag in Reservoir.

I've always particularly loved the second layer of humour in the sandwich board offering live crickets and frozen rats & mice. To date it seems Harry has never noticed a connection between this and the fact that no-one ever wants to take advantage of his al fresco dining option.

Seems Legit

The Aussiest Interview Ever

I shared this clip on Facebook already but it deserves a proper blog post. Shortly after news broke a couple of days ago about a Reservoir man pursuing, running over then fighting with the thief who stole his 4WD and trailer, this highly entertaining and uncooperative interview with a couple of his mates surfaced. For anyone who has yet to see it, the magic begins about 30 seconds in.




The clip went viral, receiving 6 million views overnight, and has been dubbed the 'Aussiest interview ever'. Indeed, if you google 'Aussiest interview ever' this clip will be your first few results, and if you google 'Tony Montana' these guys will also be your first result. Yes, they've bumped Al Pacino.

I'm filled with pride to know that the Aussiest interview ever was filmed in Rezza. These guys should really get an Australia Day award next week. Or at least free kebabs for life on Broadway or something. 

Albert Come Home

I saw this on my adventures today.

If we all look out for budgies hopefully together we can help bring Albert home.

And if you see anyone pointing and wolf whistling around our streets in the near future don't dismiss them out of hand as perverts - they might just be trying to attract a budgie.

Taking Care of Business

Link: Driver runs over Nissan Patrol thief in Reservoir, Melbourne

"DETECTIVES are continuing to interview a man who chased and mowed down a man who allegedly stole his 4WD to determine if he should be charged..........The 4WD owner woke to the sound of his car being stolen on Myrtle Grove in Reservoir and jumped into a second car to give chase around 5am.
He chased the bandit to Regent St.
The thief then stopped the car and got out before the man ran him over, causing severe injuries.
Neighbours called police when the two men started fighting....."

Most people would just call the police if they heard their car being stolen. In Reservoir people like to sort out their problems themselves though. I think this represents a fairly admirable sense of personal responsibility.

I bet all the people who pride themselves on 'Regent' being a sort of elite annex of Reservoir won't be so vocal for a while now. We owe this guy a debt of gratitude for that alone.

Merry Christmas One and All

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope your Christmas Day was full of joy, and free of injuries associated with giving the barbecue a nudge with lighter fluid, poorly executed fart lighting contests, or seeing if Auntie Doreen would get pissed off if you flick her arse with a teatowel.
I also hope your Boxing Day has been restful and you were able to destroy everyone in your path at Northlands when you went in to exchange all your gifts and get a pile of sick bargains with all your new gift cards.
Here's a clip I saw the other night. I don't think it was filmed here, but when I saw it I immediately got excited about Christmas Day in Reservoir.

With a Bullet

APRA AMCOS keep stats on which Australian postcodes have the most songwriters registered with them. Apparently back in 2003 Reservoir was sitting comfortably at number 29. Seems plausible, since it's a list of 30, and let's face it: you want to try, but you don't want to try too hard and look like a wanker do you? 

Somewhere in the last decade though, Reservoir ceased to make the "top" list of songwriters, and rejoined the "growing" list. I'm trying to work out why. It could be that the hard rock writers of Rezza realised that all the great songs have already been written by ACDC, and politely bowed out of the contest. Or it could be that all the blues writers began to question the plausibility of starting songs about Reservoir with "I woke up this morning....". Or perhaps the dance writers were imprisoned in a meth siege several years ago and have yet to be reported missing due to several hundred facebook friends who keep tagging them every Saturday night, creating the illusion that they are still around, but just very busy clubbing.

Personally though, I think it's just Reservoir's generosity of spirit that bumped us out of the top 30. When you've reached the top it's only right to wind things down and give someone else a go. Unless Geelong make the top 30 of course. It's fucking on if they make it.

Feeling Festive

Tonight I'm finally starting to feel the Christmas spirit, even though all the domestic light displays have been up  for precisely 20 days and the biker who manages the childrens' crossing on Plenty road has been wearing his Santa hat to work for a couple of weeks. Rezza has finally begun to cut sick tonight, busting out the "1986 With a Bullet" cd's, and discreetly testing their stockpiles of illegal fireworks in backyards and school playgrounds ahead of the Rezza New Year's Eve spectacular.
I'd like to give all my non-Reservoirian readers a hot tip that I only discovered last year when I stayed at home on NYE following an unexpected December 29-30 blowout: the fireworks in Rezza on New Year's Eve are by far superior to the ones in the city. You can position yourself pretty much anywhere in Reservoir between 11pm and 2am on New Year's Eve and the sky will be awash with a staggering and highly unpredictable display of pyrotechnics. The soundtrack is heaps better too. I've never felt so prepared to embark on a new year as I did in 2014, when "Thunderstruck" started belting from my neighbour's garage right on the stroke of midnight, just as all hell broke loose in the sky.

Let There Be Light

Last night I discovered that Geelong has an interactive domestic Christmas light map, to help you plan your itinerary when you decide to make a voyeuristic outing centred around the struggle between ostentatious yuletide displays and the carbon footprint. 

Obviously my first response was awe, but shortly thereafter I realised that if any region needs a domestic Christmas light map it's Reservoir. So I took a few moments and threw one together, based on my various investigations in the past. I hope this helps.

The Mullet

Business at the front. Party at the back.

Community Fun Day

Looking for something to do today? The Rose Shamrock Hotel, the gaming establishment that brought us both red and white wine, are holding their Community Fun Day right now.

A perfect family day out, you can fill your kids up with fairy floss and popcorn, toss them into the jumping castle then go get a bit of "me" time on the slots until one of them pukes.