Circle of Life

These are my favourite three shops in all of the 'Voir. I can't quite bring myself to buy anything from them though.

Glamour Lifestyle Experience

Is it just me or do real estate agents have a way with words?

They had me at Glamour Lifestyle Experience, but then I read about the romantic appeal and groovy club lighting and I was sold. Even so, I still feel they're selling the place short. I took a wide shot so you can see what I mean.

Positioned conveniently next door to a plumber and a massage therapist on a main thoroughfare, the property overlooks a defunct (if mystifying) mid-century subterranean toilet block. I can see a range of good talking points the agent has overlooked here.

Do They Know it's Christmas?

How tardy of me. Ordinarily I like to scout out some 'Voir Christmas shots well in advance of Christmas Day. Back to back food comas really can throw off your routine.
Taking these photos is such a great opportunity for me to explore (and occasionally alienate) new corners of Rezza. And of course I like to stay abreast of the very latest in domestic festive decorations. 
Unfortunately I wasn't able to get a photo of one of the more epic houses I found tonight, on account of a couple of women over the road saying goodbye to one another and discussing whether it had really felt like Christmas for almost an hour. Actually, they could still be there for all I know. They stopped talking and stared every time I tried to casually stop and take a picture. It was unnerving, especially by the third time. Honestly, some people.
Anyway, without further ado, I give you 'Voir Christmas 2013.

I love this one because I don't understand why they bothered, and I salute that:

And I love this on account of the irony factor:

And of course it wouldn't be Christmas without my favourite Christmas house in all of the world. 

Merry Christmas everyone. May all your dreams come true. Of course it's statistically improbable that they all will, but I'm gunning for you anyway.

Big Uggs to Fill

On my way home tonight I stopped next to an ugg boot distributor at the traffic lights. I know this because that's what it said on the side of his van. I couldn't help having a look at him. I mean, who doesn't want to know what an ugg boot distributor looks like? It's like being in the hospital bed next to patient zero. 
As I glanced casually across he was already staring at me, holding a tinny is his enormous fist. I smiled and gave a little jerk of my chin that I hoped would translate as "Ugg boots right?" and "How about that cricket?". He seemed unimpressed with me, or my car, or the general combination. I'm obviously still not ready for ugg boots.

Return to Sender

I thought this said 'Picts' at first. Silly me.

Play Misty For Me

As I drove to the Reservoir Waste Transfer Centre this past weekend, I was delighted to stumble onto Misty's Diner. Honestly, I haven't been that excited since I discovered Courtney Morrison. 
I've heard great things about Misty's; it's the newest all-American all-you-can-eat diner experience, and they have branches in both Reservoir and Prahran. Not many restaurants can say that.
Naturally I checked them out online. The disarray of broken links on their site spoke plainly of an eatery bent on maintaining an inaccessible urban mystique. 
If I wasn't already drawn in, I soon discovered they have a deep fried chocolate bar dessert called "Holy Shit", which looks either alarmingly or comfortingly similar to a deep fried chicken fillet.

Jumping the Shark

A scene from the Reservoir Leisure Centre yesterday. Looks like someone miscalculated a sick jump over the wading pool again. Kudos to the centre for containing the situation so efficiently.

With thanks to E for the pic.

The 'Voir Commandments - #10

They scream and it pisses off the neighbours behind the pub.

 They stuff up the seat covers too.

The Thirty Days of Christmas

It's November 20. After almost 3 years in the 'Voir I think I can say with more than a little certainty that in precisely five days the suburb will suddenly be aglow with domestic Christmas decorations. Don't know about you, but I can hardly wait.

Nothing Interesting Ever Happens in the Suburbs

Ten years ago in the 'Voir: 'Vampire' prostitute bizarre in life and death

'To his neighbours Chartres-Abbott, 28, who was gunned down in a daylight ambush last Wednesday, was a polite young man. He lived quietly with his girlfriend in suburban Reservoir, his only eccentricity a thick black overcoat, which he wore even in summer. But by night Chartres-Abbott was a male prostitute, who allegedly told a client he was a vampire, older than the city of Melbourne, who drank blood to survive. The secret life of Chartres-Abbott began to unravel late last month during a sensational court trial, in which he was accused of raping and attacking a client.  The county court heard the alleged victim, a 30-year-old woman, was found in a foetal position in the shower cubicle of a room in South Yarra's Hotel Saville on August 17 last year. The woman told the jury that, days before she was attacked, Chartres-Abbott had told her he was a vampire. He was said to specialise in sadomasochistic sex and supposedly carried a black bag of sex toys including a dildo, whip, ropes, condoms and handcuffs. Chartres-Abbott's lawyer Alan Hands was scathing, claiming the prosecution's case was a story worthy of Bram Stoker and a mystery worthy of Agatha Christie. But the defence was to make an equally startling claim. Mr Hands told the jury the victim and a friend were grooming Chartres-Abbott to appear in a "snuff movie" - a pornographic film in which the actors are actually murdered. He alleged the victim had gone cold on the idea of recruiting Chartres-Abbott because she had developed an affection for him. Mr Hands said the woman was attacked after Chartres-Abbott left the hotel about 5am. The victim said she had hired Chartres-Abbott from Cloud Nine Escorts in Balwyn, a company that employs about 30 male and female prostitutes, because she felt "horny".

The Eternal Optimist

$2 off this shit. You can buy all that other shit too if you like, but it will be full price. If someone buys all this shit I can buy that Dymo labeller I've been wanting for my signage. Dymo is the shit.

Thanks to R for the pic.

You Can't Stop Progress

Every now and then I hear something up here that transports me momentarily to a place where I can see a highly successful range of slogan T-shirts.
Overheard at Northland(s):
"I wanna do what I wanna do. If you don't like it, get outta my fucken life!"

Go You Good Thing!

Tonight I saw a guy jogging in Geelong footy shorts and a turban. I was pretty impressed. It takes guts to be seen jogging around here.

Things I Find Too Often in My Front Yard

Tools
Thongs (always paired)
Toys
Data cable
Rubbish (of brands oddly distant to point of origin)
Mini zip lock bags

The Wheels of Justice

Phone conversation overheard on the 86:
"I had to go to court this morning because me ex-boyfriend's a fucken dog."

The Sunny Side of the Street

Lately I've started to notice a pattern around these parts. Maybe it's just because it's Springtime and the heady mix of sunshine and airborne pollen has affected my judgement, but it has struck me that the graffiti in Reservoir is remarkably positive. 

Mind you, there are many shades of positive:

The Family That Plays Together

Good onya Mum.

Summer Catalogue

In this year's 'Voir Summer collection denim will be a strong theme. Again. This collection accentuates classic pieces with on-trend accessory items including the two-bottle bag, and white-panties-overboard-in-flagrante-delicto. 

Loosely mown lawn: model's own.

With thanks to @adamrichard for the image.

Best Night Eva

Thanks to an anonymous legend for this image. You rule, and I totes believe it was like that when you found it.

Special Chicken Wigs

When an ordinary chicken wig just won't do.