My last post reminded me of a piece of unsolicited mail I received last month from my friends the Jehovah's Witnesses, who are quite active in Reservoir despite all contrary indications that their help is not required, and who have left reams of inaccessibly cryptic collateral under my door over the years.
Last month I received the letter pictured. Firstly, I don't know why they feel they have to stop door knocking due to COVID 19, because it's not like anyone in Reservoir ever invites them in. Secondly, it was addressed to my surname and address, so I can assume they have a private database or a reverse White Pages at their disposal, which I feel someone should probably look into. Inside was the pictured handwritten letter and pamphlet. Ordinarily I would go to some lengths to obscure the name in a document like this, but I feel that in this case a) the name is fairly amusing, and b) Chryzelle forfeited her right to anonymity when she looked me up in a reverse White Pages or whatever and mail bombed me with this shit instead of forcing it uninvited under my door while I'm at work like she usually would.
I was particularly impressed by the fact that Chryzelle had hand written this letter, as though she was labouring to communicate the import of her mission from a realm untouched by high speed printing devices. Spurred by her efforts, I took time to read her enclosed leaflet, and was unsurprised to find it was just another grouping of empty biblical verses used out of context rather than useful information about, say, where I could donate food or volunteer some help during a global pandemic.
I was left thinking how many of these unsolicited letters Chryzelle and her mates had sent, how many dollar stamps and hours of handwriting they had invested in them. Then I wondered how many genuinely useful things they could have done with all that time and money during a global pandemic and immediately thought of dozens of simple and highly effective ideas, none of which involved sending unsolicited passive aggressive letters to strangers. I thought Chryzelle might find my suggestions useful, but she failed to include a return address with her letter, which feels a bit unreasonable from someone who is asking for my eternal soul. I guess I'll just hand write my suggestions and save them for when the Jehovahs can knock at my door again. "Thank God you're here, " I'll say, "I've been waiting for you."
